“It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. ”
Since losing my Mom, a little more than a year ago, I have been pushing my grief down. Literally, physically, metaphorically. Most of the time I am fine. Most of the time I move through life with an overall sense of optimism. I feel a deep sense of love, purpose and meaning. But then, moments come, and I miss her so hard there’s a lump in my throat and tears always threatening to fall when someone even asks how I am. Sometimes she is so far away that I can’t believe anymore. In anything. That grief, that hardcore loss that shakes you up and rips the rug out form under you… is good to feel. The times it’s risen up and become unbearable, the urge to drive it away and bury it is overwhelming. To become so busy I can’t think of it. In this past year I’ve learned that the moments of greatest clarity come in our moments of stillness. The layers of healing that happen when you are just able to “be” with your pain are transformative.
Right now three of my good friends are grieving…two of my clients are grieving…so many of you are grieving. My heart, empathetic by nature, is feeling this commonly shared experience so deeply. Having my own grief understood and reflected is such a gift.
“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life”
― Nicholas Sparks
So in these moments I’ve found some things that help. Here they are in no particular order.
- Thai Massage
- Long Walks
- Long Baths
So now I’m letting the grief rise. Experiencing it fully. Letting it overflow however it sees fit. Whether that be tears or song, anger or despair. This allowing is more healing than anything else so far. Two grandmas and a Mom in 3 years. That’s a lot to lose. I’m thankful for my sister and my girls. For my friends who are my sisters and for my teachers. This beautiful feminine energy is still there. Always with me. Supportive and nurturing. Helping me be the same for you. Thank you and I love you.
Lokah Samastah Sukinoh Bhavantu
May All Beings Be Happy and Free